Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
