very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
