Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was born a porn star she said
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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