I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
