I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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