Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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