A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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