ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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