that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every concussion has its silver lining
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
