New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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