Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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