I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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