Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
