I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
