At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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