k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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