I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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