my mouth tastes like poor choices
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
