the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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