hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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