Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
