There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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