I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
