Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
