Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
