Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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