i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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