We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
