Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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