so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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