I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
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You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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