Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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