I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
