i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
