You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
