Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
