it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
