he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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