he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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