My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
