Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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