So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
