your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
