Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
