if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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