I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
