dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
