my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
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We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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