seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
