I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
