You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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