Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
