no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
