Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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