I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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