I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
