Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
