Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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