The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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