i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
