Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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